Countdown
4 more weeks until my cousin's wedding
4 more weeks for my parents to come here
5 more weeks to go home.
And 2 more months towards final and finishes my 3rd sem.

And i feel alive again with its presence..
My new baby is a survivor
It's lovely...it's pink and it's a freaking cactusss, i cant believe it.

My dear brain...


MUST.STAY.AWAKE!!
BE HIGHLY CAFFEINATED!!!
BE A SPONGE!!
ABSORB EVERYTHING N LEAVES NOTHING BEHIND...
BE A HERO!


Xoxo..
Please divorce with the internet n the bed.

I dont know why
I dont know how

I'm just sad when truth is i'm supposed to be happy.
I'm cool but i'm mad.
It's not hot but i'm sweating
And i feel like crying over....nothing!!
And i'm also mad over....yup, nothing.

I got no mood..
I aint got any feeling
It feels like i'm already death inside...

Maybe  i miss home so so so much
Maybe spending a short time with my family just now leads me to this.
Maybe i'm just freaking tired

Oh God..
Can i not grow up??

why do i always be the one who over-think of things i shouldnt.
estimating nonsense things.
having to fear for what others see about me , talk about me..or even think about me.
it's useless, really.
but i just cant help it.
i, myself cant stop my mind from going beyondddddd whats reality really has to offers.
and i hate that.
but like i said...i just cant stop being over-thinking.
and at every end of the day...when reality strikes me, i'll go like "oh look...u've thought  too much , people.just.dont.care.bout.it! good...keep on abusing your brain!"
huhhhhh...


and talking about brain...here i am..
struggling to learn about it coz i'm currently in the middle of CNS module.
and test in on next week
and tomorrow imma go partayyyy with my family to celebrate irah's n syahir's straight a's achivements in upsr n pmr.
and i'll be going out again on christmas day with le famili.
(note to self: pt is on friday, wake up dudeee!!)
and other med students will be at the residential college studying their ass off
and i wont have much time to study and memorize those gazillion things
and i've promised my sister to study up to midnight tonight to at least lighten the burden, which i  havent.
and i feel like slapping my face and knocking my head on the wall for not studying but wanting a top notch result.
coz i know i'll end up abusing myself again n again few days before the exams.
what a wise time planner u got there!

seriously!!! what took u so long??!!!
just.open.the.freaking.notes. and start studyinggggg!!!!
what am i doing here?!
freakkk...
do mind that my brain isnt at its best performance right now.
huhhh

Studying pharmacology can sometimes drives me banana.
So lets just take a 5mins break.

These past few days...i'm kind of in my gloomy mode, faking my smiles n laughter.
Trying to gather everything together all at once..
Making sure i look tough n normal when deep inside i was torn apart.

Well truth is...sadness  isnt always bad.
Yes it hurts u so much...so deep it scratches your heart that u hardly breathe
And we ended up crying coz it feels so good right after yet the problem remained unsolved.
but truth is..it brought us near to the Almighty.

My recent semester break was quite a roller coaster
Abah's health condition wasnt really good at that moment yet he was reluctant to see the doctor.
And with rains n cold weather..he experienced shortness of breath, intermittent fever and fatigue.
It broke my heart everytime i see him struggling to breathe..even his skin looked pale and he became thinner.

He slept n rested all day long.
And he kept on feeling nauseated, loss of appetites n loss of weight and from that moment i knew his kidneys are getting bad.

And last friday, he was admitted to the hospital.
He undergone peritoneal dialysis, lungs are found to be infected, and apart from that, was found to be anemic due to internal bleeding.

My heart stopped the moment my mother asked me the prognosis of end stage renal failure.
Truth is...i dont know.
And even if i know..i still hardly accept the truth.
All i could do i pray n pray n keep on praying.
Coz we can only plan,  He the Almighty has the power to decide.

And this evening he was discharged from the ward, Alhamdulillah.
Gained back his appetite..and is in pink.
Even though he'll be getting daily PD from now on..it's alright if thats the best for him.

I just want to go home now
I wanna see him..and maaa.
I wanna tell them not to feel guilty about me not enjoying my break last week.
I hate it everytime they feel sorry for burdening me to take care of irah n syahir and that they unable to take me jalan2 during my break.
I dont want to jalan jalan.
I dont need to eat all of her srumptious dishes that she planned to cook for me.
I dont care if i didnt have the chance to take a good rest in my bed.
As long as i'm near to them..everything is priceless.
Nothing else matters most apart from they being healthy and able to love me infinitely.
Oh God.

And i remembered a doctor once told me that sickness isnt always bad.
Look on the bright side,,,Allah actually choose certain people tested with certain disease for it 'll lead him to these three things.
1. So that we remember our Creator, the Almighty.
2. To clear up the sins we commited in the past.
3. To test our patience and bring us close to our creator.

Till then

Tired of dramas
Tired of homeworks
Tired of classes
Tired of this and that and bla bla bla..

Desperately need some motivations
Or something, just anything to rev up my strength n emotions

CNS test is coming up very very very soon..
Preparation so far is like...?
Huhhhh..

And why does Dr Adrean's face looks exactly like my father's?
And Prof AHAR thought that i was sleeping during his lecture today when the fact is i was wide awake (or maybe just a littleee sleepy).
Helloo...I DIDNT SLEEPPPPP...!!
Well at least not in his lecture..
Blame my father for this sepet eyes!!

And this morning...there was this one cat, happily and glamorously emptied its urinary bladder inside my worn out shoes that i loveee to wear every single day coz it's old and u know how comfortable old shoes are..as if u're walking on nothing.
I could feel my heart being stabbed the moment its urine filled up the shoes..
And the smell of it...oh God!
I dont wanna remember...


Huhhh...
Waking up at wrong side of bed today huh?

Saturday come quick..
 coz I just wanna run away!

It has been a week..
It's time to leave..
But i just wanna stay here..

Hurghhh...

woke up a bit early today (or not) since there's a big sale held today and today only!
 DIE! MUST! BUY!
so me n my sister quickly rub our eyes..grabbed the tablet..
typing and searching the items as fast as possible
and straight away adding to cart all the items we've been discussing all night long.

well she's a freak when it comes to watches.. weirdo i noticed that!
but i dont know how on earth did that nightmare habit was transferred to me.
sbb tido sekali mungkin.
or maybe because i'm simply a total freak

so...the thing was, the moment we proceed to checkout..
and entered the discount code..
bangg!!! blank! just liddat.
it took a while till we gained our breath back.
(i.seriously.fall.inlove.with.those.items.i.cant.even.breathe.)
and losing those items in a glanced of eyes are like...
speechless.


so it was a gloomy day..
everything seems to disappoint us.
and we tried and tried and keep trying
but the website seemed to have some technical problem.

and right after dinner..
i was trying our luck just in case if some miracles would happens and what not.
and bangg again..
it's workingggggg ingg inggg......oooh la la!

loooks like someone is going to sleep with a smiling face (not me..)
well my sister of course..
coz she's a freak...
and she doesnt know how to stop being one.
huhh...

I told myself that i'm over you
I told myself i cant handle anything related to love coz i know it'll only kills me
I thought it was over
I thought i got no feelings for u anymore
And that i can treat u like how i treat others..as a friend.

But it's not how it is
I'm not what i planned to be
My feelings aint gonna stop
Which is stupid..and mad!
And i'm mad...very mad at myself
Coz u seemed to moved on already
While i was there....gasping for air..
trying to look cool when the fact is i was a total mess

But u looked cool.
Laughing with your friends
Asking me to take photos of u both acting silly
While i was there...trying to look cool.

Maybe i should move on too.
Maybe i shouldnt set my target too high
Maybe i should just layannn je and stop rejecting
Maybe i'm just too choosy.

I dont know
I just dont know.
And i hate myself for not forgetting u yet
Maybe i need more time
A lotttttt more time for healing


So yeah...
Maybe i should start killing every particles of u living inside me.
Which is hard..
But is a possible thing to do

so yeah...
it feels soooo good to be home.
to be on this beloved bed.
to sleep so comfortably.
to eat.
to watch movies.
to hangout.
to do this, do that.
and the list goes endlessly.
flawlessly.

well i guess it's not too late to post about the perbarisan for saf that i had 2weeks ago.
and truth is..

Few more days before semester break  hits the calendar

And here i am...trying to fully occupy my days with hectic schedules

So far...it was tiring, like very tiring!
But  i dont really care as long as the time seems to move faster
And tonight i went to this religious talk entitled "the leaking boat" which is quite interesting and worth spending time for.
Got a few of positive take home messages just to make sure that my boat wont be severely leaked anymore after this.

I know it has been quite a while since the last time i attended a religious talk
So yeah...should've do it more in future.

And this thursday...is gonna be a big day.
A big big day since we're handling this programme, somekind of a talkshow that requires quite an amount of audience in order for us to pass the public speaking class.
Kinda harsh huh..
So yeah...lets just hope it wont turn out as a disaster

And friday...
Aww yeah, friday is everything
Come quick!
Coz i guess i'm currently breathing without a proper functioning heart.
Home here i comeeeeeeee

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