wow...its been a while. lots of things had happened.
the good ones..the bad ones.
and it took me a while..to gather myself up, again.
and now i'm back
and i've decided..to write again for the sake of my future reading
in case ermmm u know, if i happened to get married and have children..
this is the story i would want them to know
or even if i didnt get married ( but i want too laahh aduh)
eh whatever lah..point is, i wanna start blogging again geddit
ok good..

to: syamimi yahaya

whatever happens
kau kena jgk ambik pro exam 10hb ni
whatever happens
kau kne jugak kuat, kau kena jugak pass the exam, kena jugak tabah
whatever happens
kau kena jugak gunakan masa yg ade ni utk study
whatever happens
kau kena jugak finish ur exam by 18th july
and lastly whatever happens
u gonna make sure the auditorium will be the witness for the announcement of  Dr Nurul Syamimi Yahaya on 21st July
whatever happens
kau give out ur best
kau struggle
kau give it all!!

dear syamimi
i love u
and i know u can do this

aku tak suka kena psycho sbrnya
ni bru smpai kolej after 4days of raya
pstu smpai2 je blh pulak tgk batchmates bersiap nk pi hospital
at 8.30pm
kau rase cane?
aihhh..
aihhh
xsuka kena psycho cmni xsukaaa..
uwaaa

dear self
feels like i havent been updating for ages
acah acah busy lettew

pejam celik pejam celik pro exam is just abt one month ahead of me
rase mcm smlm je bru masuk fifth year
but thats reality i guess

lagi sebulan nk exam means my friends are working their ass off
yet here i am..masih lgi mcm biasa
risau tu risau
gila engko xrisau..its the biggest exam i've ever taken kot
tpi tu laa
entah
hrmm entahla labu

ok tu jela
aku nk update tp aku tgh kejar masa jgk ni
ok la till then

kadang tu kau malas sgt bangun pegi hospital sbb bajet monday blues
rasa berat gila nk bangun dari katil asyik snooze the alarm for several times
tapi sebab kau dah janji dgn kawan kau
pastu sebab kau is the one driving the car
so u dont have the heart to make them wait for u, or to just cancel the plan

so u get up from the bed dgn malasnya
pastu kau mandi kau siap siap
dah lewat 10minits..i always make people wait for me
thats just a bad habit of mine i really need to get rid of

pastu kau drive, parking pulak takde haduhh
tapi takpe parking jauh sket pon takpelah
pastu kau jalan kau masuk kawasan sepital
kau naik pegi ward..had a chat with a friend for a while pastu kau tgk ade ward round
so kau join
kau toleh kiri kau toleh kanan,
aii...aku sorang je ke medical student  kat sini
lantak lah deknon
alang2 dah dtg hospital, join ajelah
perhaps yg lain tgh lemau dalam bilik

pastu boleh pulak si specialist tu nanye banyak soalan dkt kau
kau jawab aje
ade yang betol ade yang tak betol
takpe kau relax saje
macam tak biase tak dapat jwb soalan dokter kan

pastu boleh pulak specialist tu cakap
"u're a final year medical student, you should know everything. my houseman takpela diorang dah lama tinggal o&g".
pang...sakit jugak arr tamparan tu
dah kenapa semorang nak remindkan aku yang aku final year haduh

pastu kau toleh lagi kiri kana
dalam hati ingat nak mintak tolong orang
tapi sebab kau sorg je medical student kat situ
so kau continue aje la
the questions keep on coming
kau keep on thinking the answers to every questions
sebenarnya specialist tu baik aje
dia byk tanye sbb dia nak ajar engkau

pastu habis round kau gi clerk few patients
buat few examinations
macam biasa ah, sengsorang jugak
pastu bila dah rasa penat lenguh kaki sakit belakang
kau decide nk balik ah, kau gi mintak dokter sign attendance kau

sampai sampai kat kaunter,
nurse tu cakap " adik ni baguslaa, rajin, pandai jawab soalan dokter. tahu banyak benda"
kau toleh, jap nurse tu cakap ngan aku ke halamak
pastu kau tersipu malu sebab kau tahu yang dia cakap tu tak betul pong.
aku mengaku aku banyak sgt lacking
tapi tu la, tak lambat lagi nak improve

but the nurse keep on puji kau melambung
tapi aku duk pikir pikir
just because i can speak english fluently doesnt mean that my knowledge is as good as my language.
so kau senyum aje, terima jela deknon orang puji kau
pastu nurse nurse lain pon pakat cakap kau bagus
tetiba bontot yang pagi tadi rase berat gila terus jadi ringan.
nak je aku main terbang terbang dalam ward tadi
tapi sebab tanak tunjuk kat diorang my insanity, aku senyum malu malu, haktuih sangat

pastu doktor yang kau nak mintak sign tu keluar dari bilik
nurse tu cakap " doktor, student ni rajin pastu pandai"
dah kenapa nak puji puji bagai ni
aku tak biasa dowh

and the doctor replied " ha ahh..dia lah student paling rajin dalam ward ni"
i was like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttt
i did not hear that
kau boleh bayang tak
kau bayang takkk
hahah..okbai

tu je aku nak cite harini.
best gak arr dapat puji melambung lambung camni
maybe this is the last time aku dpaat pujian macam ni sebab tu aku siap tulis blogpost
in medical field u dnt always get this kind of compliment
what u always get is " where's ur brain? are u tryna be a clown? sikit2 lupa..ape je yang ingat..."
haa benda benda macam tu ah

ok ah
aku chowww dulu

lagi 60hari nak pro exam
dearself..
jangan putus asa

dear self..

slowly..
i lose myself..i lose the old version of me.
it kills me
very hardly

i hate it
being this weak..
this fragile..
this emotional thing..
this is not who i used to be

i can feel the pain everyday
trying to ignore it but i failed
"hold on, it's almost over"
lies i keep telling myself

i know this isnt the end
this is only the beginning

you woman why u're overthinking of everything
you're better than this
u can be better
lets move on
and throw this shit away

mimi tahan sikit lagi
yes perit.. but u just gotta be tougher
semua ni...all of this pain
are for them

sbb they would sacrifice anything for u
so ape salahnya u sacrifice a bit for them
u can do this
i know u always can

sikit je lagi
tahan
oh Allah..ease my journey for tomorrow

dear self
it's 2 in the morning
and here i am..
inside this room of mine
that's filled with nothing but silence

i'm back again  to this room of mine
with the aim to start studying for my end of posting exam
but all i ever did was just fooling myself around
and i hated it...more than anything

it always feels good to be back in home again
the foods
the internet
the love
the tv shows
all of it..i love it.

but..
dear self
lets be serious
lets start studying now
u've been playing too much, too hard
yet u studied too little
u crave for an excellent result
and thats a bulsht with this amt of effort u put on

lets be serious..

dear self,
professional exam is just around the corner
only 109 days left
may seems so long for some, yet so short for me
it's like having a knife ready to slice down my throat
or a gun at the temporal lobe of mine

i know i gotta be strong, and healthy and well prepared for this war
but all i'm afford to feel rite now are
- major exahustion
- major depression
- major regret
and all of other "major" stuffs
it's about 3am now
and i'm nowhere near to sleep
oh Allah..remind me again as to why i chose this road or as to why You put me into this.
whatever it is, i believe that Your plan is the greatest plan of all
and with that..hopefully this heart shall remain calm, this brain shall not go haywired and this body shall tolerate with all the pain, mentally and physically.

dear self, this 2017 i just want to love myself even more than last year coz i know i shall be living in this body my whole life. i want to appreciate the scars that i have, the cellulites i've left with, the freckles, the birthmarks..u name it, i wanna appreciate it.

second is, i want to take a good care of my heart and my health. i've been doing that since last year but this year around, i wanna make it better. i want to do things of what makes me happy and less of what makes me feeling otherwise. i want to listen more to what it says, and try not to rush things up as i used to.
i wanna take few steps closer to Allah as it always always always makes me feel better. it's gonna be a long way ahead but i'm up for it.
i want to fall in love with people and things around me and fall out of love with things that shall bring me down or put a scar in my heart. i know it's hard sometimes but i'll do it anyway.
i want to cherish more moments with my friends and families and i want to study not only for the sake of upcoming professional exam but also for my future patients.
i want to live and i want to give back to people, help them as much as i could.
apart from that, i wanna improve myself in lots of dimensions. in terms of my knowledge, my attitude, how i present myself, my thinking, my religion, my love of everything i'm passionate about. i wanna do that. i wanna make this life, more worthwhile to life for.

i know the list wont come even close to an end because i have so many ideas exploding up here in my brain but, one thing for sure...the single most important thing i wanna make sure i've done before i had my last breath in this earth, i just wanna make sure my parents are always happy to have me as their child, happy to be raising me up and happy to meet me again in hereafter coz afterall, family is all thats important for me.

so i guess thats all i wanna rant about this new year's resolution. there's just so many things about to happen in 2017 inshaAllah, lets just pray that we will all be forever blessed with His help. Amin..

esok kakak exam short case and long case for the surgical posting.
examiners xtau lagi sapa but hopefully dpt yg baik hati murah hati nk kasi markah and who knows blh bgi distinction...
pastu pastu new cases blh pulak banyaaakk kt ward just now ..i was like what is zisssss....
totally tired mentally and physically but the battle isnt over..soo??
nevertheless...
i just want colorectal cancer or breast cancer je blh dak?
please please please..
utk shortcase dpt inspection of stoma beg pon jadilaa labuuuu

ni nak bebel niiih
mula2 ckp exam short case, long case hari khamis.
pastu aku dgn senang hatinya duk melepak situ sini ignoring the exam sbb rase mcm lambat lg
tup tup Dr mesej last minit ckp exam maybe selasa
serious tak lawak
serious heart attack
unprepared..as always
memang diorang punye hobby nk kasi heart attack kt students ke apaaa..

huuu
nevertheless..
semoga syamimi yahaya dpt examiners yg baik2 xkedekut markah, cases yg she can excel, patients yg cooperative xbanyak songeh, semoga i can impress the examiners and score high marks for this posting of which i fell inlove.
amin amin amin!!
dear God, i dont have much time left, but one thing for sure
i have You.
and i need Your help of which has been keeping me alive and able to continue my journey as a final year medical student up till today.
indeed, there's nothing has been made easy if it werent for Your help

i guess i'll be frequently updating my life about this en route to graduation and life as a final year medical student.

dear self..
and dear final year..
this is something i want u to remember

tak mintak banyak pun
cuma

1. study rajin2...u dont have much time left. 10 months tu kejaaaap je. especially when u're gonna be busy with all the crazy schedule, busy crying, busy sleeping and busy regretting as to why u chose medicine at the first place. but u shouldnt be regret...it's too late really. u're almost at the finishing line...and i can already see the medal. keep going...keep running
2. solat jangaaaan tinggal. kalau blh solat awal2 waktu...tak elok u let Him wait for you berjam jam pastu baru nk solat especially u're asking for his biggggg help for this final year kan. it's not gonna be easy lets admit it...but it's not impossible too. let's change for a better self.
3. doa banyak banyak banyak banyak. do i neeeeed to stress it more? usaha tetap usaha tapi kalau Allah xredha...whats the point of burning the midnight oil...sacrificing your youth when u can choose to go out with friends...try something crazy, something a normal 23 year old lady would do.
4. always pesan to maaaa and abah to pray for my success. tak pesan pon dah tahu actually, that they always pray for me. tapi nak pesan jugak...coz i'm so gedik liddat.
5. jaga hati. jaga iman. dont fall inlove too easily. lower down your gaze. i know it's difficult tapi thats the thing about it. i know it's gonna be hard tp kita cuba slowly alright?

1. i encountered my 4th year final exams of  medical school with some bits of knowledge and practices and lots lots lots of prayers and hoping for miracles. i was totally unprepared...
2. then i spend few days with my friends acknowledging the beauty of nature...had some hikes..and some jog, capturing some beautiful pictures and had my favourite sneakers gone into the dustbin after the hike..errmm so yeah
3. i passed all of my exams - surgery, orthopeadics and family medicine. Alhamdulillah...luck must be by my side at that moment.
4. and currently or specifically this monday shall i enter the college as a final year medical student of which it felt a little in the middle of being happy and proud and blessed and estatic for this achievement but at the same time still questioning my knowledge and the skills that i owned, sad that it also means i dont have much time left with my girlfriends, angry for being unprepared all the time and frustrated with myself the fact that i cant always make my parents proud of me. 
5. next year shall i face the professional exams which qualifies me to get my MBBS..and it aint a joke anymore. 

i dont like the fact that i dont care anymore
i dont like it that i'm lazy and wasting time
lets be better.

« Older posts | Newer posts »