slowly..
i lose myself..i lose the old version of me.
it kills me
very hardly

i hate it
being this weak..
this fragile..
this emotional thing..
this is not who i used to be

i can feel the pain everyday
trying to ignore it but i failed
"hold on, it's almost over"
lies i keep telling myself

i know this isnt the end
this is only the beginning

you woman why u're overthinking of everything
you're better than this
u can be better
lets move on
and throw this shit away

mimi tahan sikit lagi
yes perit.. but u just gotta be tougher
semua ni...all of this pain
are for them

sbb they would sacrifice anything for u
so ape salahnya u sacrifice a bit for them
u can do this
i know u always can

sikit je lagi
tahan
oh Allah..ease my journey for tomorrow

dear self
it's 2 in the morning
and here i am..
inside this room of mine
that's filled with nothing but silence

i'm back again  to this room of mine
with the aim to start studying for my end of posting exam
but all i ever did was just fooling myself around
and i hated it...more than anything

it always feels good to be back in home again
the foods
the internet
the love
the tv shows
all of it..i love it.

but..
dear self
lets be serious
lets start studying now
u've been playing too much, too hard
yet u studied too little
u crave for an excellent result
and thats a bulsht with this amt of effort u put on

lets be serious..

dear self,
professional exam is just around the corner
only 109 days left
may seems so long for some, yet so short for me
it's like having a knife ready to slice down my throat
or a gun at the temporal lobe of mine

i know i gotta be strong, and healthy and well prepared for this war
but all i'm afford to feel rite now are
- major exahustion
- major depression
- major regret
and all of other "major" stuffs
it's about 3am now
and i'm nowhere near to sleep
oh Allah..remind me again as to why i chose this road or as to why You put me into this.
whatever it is, i believe that Your plan is the greatest plan of all
and with that..hopefully this heart shall remain calm, this brain shall not go haywired and this body shall tolerate with all the pain, mentally and physically.

dear self, this 2017 i just want to love myself even more than last year coz i know i shall be living in this body my whole life. i want to appreciate the scars that i have, the cellulites i've left with, the freckles, the birthmarks..u name it, i wanna appreciate it.

second is, i want to take a good care of my heart and my health. i've been doing that since last year but this year around, i wanna make it better. i want to do things of what makes me happy and less of what makes me feeling otherwise. i want to listen more to what it says, and try not to rush things up as i used to.
i wanna take few steps closer to Allah as it always always always makes me feel better. it's gonna be a long way ahead but i'm up for it.
i want to fall in love with people and things around me and fall out of love with things that shall bring me down or put a scar in my heart. i know it's hard sometimes but i'll do it anyway.
i want to cherish more moments with my friends and families and i want to study not only for the sake of upcoming professional exam but also for my future patients.
i want to live and i want to give back to people, help them as much as i could.
apart from that, i wanna improve myself in lots of dimensions. in terms of my knowledge, my attitude, how i present myself, my thinking, my religion, my love of everything i'm passionate about. i wanna do that. i wanna make this life, more worthwhile to life for.

i know the list wont come even close to an end because i have so many ideas exploding up here in my brain but, one thing for sure...the single most important thing i wanna make sure i've done before i had my last breath in this earth, i just wanna make sure my parents are always happy to have me as their child, happy to be raising me up and happy to meet me again in hereafter coz afterall, family is all thats important for me.

so i guess thats all i wanna rant about this new year's resolution. there's just so many things about to happen in 2017 inshaAllah, lets just pray that we will all be forever blessed with His help. Amin..

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