1. i encountered my 4th year final exams of  medical school with some bits of knowledge and practices and lots lots lots of prayers and hoping for miracles. i was totally unprepared...
2. then i spend few days with my friends acknowledging the beauty of nature...had some hikes..and some jog, capturing some beautiful pictures and had my favourite sneakers gone into the dustbin after the hike..errmm so yeah
3. i passed all of my exams - surgery, orthopeadics and family medicine. Alhamdulillah...luck must be by my side at that moment.
4. and currently or specifically this monday shall i enter the college as a final year medical student of which it felt a little in the middle of being happy and proud and blessed and estatic for this achievement but at the same time still questioning my knowledge and the skills that i owned, sad that it also means i dont have much time left with my girlfriends, angry for being unprepared all the time and frustrated with myself the fact that i cant always make my parents proud of me. 
5. next year shall i face the professional exams which qualifies me to get my MBBS..and it aint a joke anymore. 

i dont like the fact that i dont care anymore
i dont like it that i'm lazy and wasting time
lets be better.

you..
are a poison to my heart,
but at the same time,
being a beautiful poison that lighten up my soul.
you destroyed my wall
you bend my ego
but i tried my very best to put it back together

you
came into my mind and my life
reluctant to leave and say goodbye
u increase the blood flow inside my brain
u increase the endorphine and the adrenaline
and i'm feeling euphoric.
but at the same time being mad
at myself
God, i shouldnt be feeling this way
coz this just feel so wrong.

and you
distract me from what i'm supposed to do
forcing me to keep my eyes on you
but at the same time trying my very best not to tell u
and give u false hope
when deep down, there's a fireworks inside me.

as much as i hated it this way
i cant help but feeling secured when u're around
and how u make me feel as if i'm guarded
even if u're not trying to
deep down i feel safe to call you home

but you
please know that i dont like it this way
please know that my heart is ill as of now
please stay away from me i just want to forget about you
please come back one day when i'm all set for you

and as for now
i'll try my very best to hide from you
to ignore you
and my feelings too
to let go of you and pray for you
even if we're not meant to
coz thats all i'm afford to do

so you
take a good care of yourself
and i'm sorry if i have ever hurt you
please know that i didnt meant to

there i was.

dear maaa,
i love you and i'm sorry i never have the guts to tell you that i do
i'm sorry sometimes i'm immature and cries like a 5 year old me.
i'm sorry sometimes i dont fulfill your dreams and
the fact that i always remind you that i'm 23 instead of 5 whenever you said no if i asked you something
i'm sorry i have less time with you now and i'm sorry
sometimes i made you miss me so badly, but  i feel the same way too

but maa,
believe me.
never have i love a human being as much as i love you
you're so beautiful inside and out, i cant stop thanking Allah for making you as my mom
your love is so sincere and so pure i bet your heart smells so good like roses, white roses - your favourites.
and can we just talk about how crazy you are with flowers? hahahaha..

u're weird and funny and kind and always be there for me
u listen attentively to all my words and my stupid jokes
u talk a lot and u nag a lot, too
but i love it.
your advices are the best in the world

u believed in me more than i believed in myself
i dont think i would survive until this very moment if it werent for your semangat
u care for me like i'm still  a 5 year old girl which, to tell u the truth, drives me crazy sometimes but i spend time laughing at you and your funny attitude.

dear maaa..
in a simple words, i really really really adore and loves you.
i hope my actions towards u speaks the love i had for u
dont stop loving me and dont stop praying for me.
i love you and may God blessed our family.

dear syamimi,
do know that..
orthopedic exam will be in less than 10 days
u'll have a short case with your so-called voldemort supervisor.
and also osce after that
yet here u are
still watching random utube videos
still shopping here n there
still sleeping soundly on the bed
still laughing at things arent even funny
still having your case write up pending
still...still havent studied
please wake up
seriously..just wake up already my dear

being in orthopedic posting so far has taught me quite lots of things.
first, u gotta have a stone heart.
well not really a stony heart, rather an unbreakable heart coz mannn..the lecturers' words gonna cut you, torn u apart into pieces. ( read: i drove back to college from the hospital with teary eyes)
they called u this, they called u that.
and me being the kind of girl who likes to answer questions or ask ( well sometimes i asked basic questions such as wound healing * to the wrong dr* so memang  digging my own grave lah jawabnya)
but it's alright i guess..
when he said " i can be kind to u, i can use good words talking to u..but my lecturers during my medschool days were so harsh to me that i still remember things he said"
well i couldnt agree more. ask me questions bout osteoarthritis, inshaAllah i can answer u since i was scolded damn teruk that day in the clinic that i still remember every single thing he told me. every.single.thing.
so i guess my job now is to train my heart hard enough so i could brace myself for the exam since the lecturer who scolded me happened to be my....yes, supervisor (read: my examiner)

second thing i learnt : know your basics well
i mean yeah..things that we've learnt during the 1st and 2nd year, those physiology, anatomy and what not..yerpp those things were to be asked during the bedsides..seminars..and worse, end of posting exam and even worse, professional exam.
so yeah..buckle up and lets travel to three years back.

third thing is : i fell in love with it.
i dont know how and why and what on earth but believe me, i started to fall in love with orthopedic ( but how bout neuro?!) but it's fun lehhh, really. except for the fracture part and all the God knows what classifications..i love learning orthopedics and i found myself more rajin i guess? spending time in the ward..well thats a good thing kot since it's almost the end of year 4 dah oh.my.Lord!

fourth thing is : know yourself in and out
the lecturers in ortho (during bedsides) always..always left me thinking to myself what do i want in life? what do i really want. do i really want to help these people. am i really willing to sacrifice my youth helping people i barely know, only their history and current complaints. being a youth, being someone who needs to sacrifice sleeps and sometimes the weekends..i really think it's crucial to betulkan niat kita every week if not everyday. u just gotta have a good heart to do this noble job and do i see myself qualified for this? well the answer is, i never know, but i just gotta werrkk werkk werrk hard to get to this stage. passion on its own, wont guarantee u being a good doctor. with a help of good heart, good knowledge and all the good stuffs..inshaAllah everything will run smoothly..amin!

fifth thing is..okay i get tired alrdy.
takpelaa smpai sini je.
exam lagi 2 minggu.
mimi please wake up.
okay?!
Dr slalu torture my mental by saying " it's your first and last posting, please learn hard. pro exam wont be easy u know"
okaayy..okayyy adrenaline surge coming right upp

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