wow...its been a while. lots of things had happened.
the good ones..the bad ones.
and it took me a while..to gather myself up, again.
and now i'm back
and i've decided..to write again for the sake of my future reading
in case ermmm u know, if i happened to get married and have children..
this is the story i would want them to know
or even if i didnt get married ( but i want too laahh aduh)
eh whatever lah..point is, i wanna start blogging again geddit
ok good..

to: syamimi yahaya

whatever happens
kau kena jgk ambik pro exam 10hb ni
whatever happens
kau kne jugak kuat, kau kena jugak pass the exam, kena jugak tabah
whatever happens
kau kena jugak gunakan masa yg ade ni utk study
whatever happens
kau kena jugak finish ur exam by 18th july
and lastly whatever happens
u gonna make sure the auditorium will be the witness for the announcement of  Dr Nurul Syamimi Yahaya on 21st July
whatever happens
kau give out ur best
kau struggle
kau give it all!!

dear syamimi
i love u
and i know u can do this

aku tak suka kena psycho sbrnya
ni bru smpai kolej after 4days of raya
pstu smpai2 je blh pulak tgk batchmates bersiap nk pi hospital
at 8.30pm
kau rase cane?
aihhh..
aihhh
xsuka kena psycho cmni xsukaaa..
uwaaa

dear self
feels like i havent been updating for ages
acah acah busy lettew

pejam celik pejam celik pro exam is just abt one month ahead of me
rase mcm smlm je bru masuk fifth year
but thats reality i guess

lagi sebulan nk exam means my friends are working their ass off
yet here i am..masih lgi mcm biasa
risau tu risau
gila engko xrisau..its the biggest exam i've ever taken kot
tpi tu laa
entah
hrmm entahla labu

ok tu jela
aku nk update tp aku tgh kejar masa jgk ni
ok la till then

kadang tu kau malas sgt bangun pegi hospital sbb bajet monday blues
rasa berat gila nk bangun dari katil asyik snooze the alarm for several times
tapi sebab kau dah janji dgn kawan kau
pastu sebab kau is the one driving the car
so u dont have the heart to make them wait for u, or to just cancel the plan

so u get up from the bed dgn malasnya
pastu kau mandi kau siap siap
dah lewat 10minits..i always make people wait for me
thats just a bad habit of mine i really need to get rid of

pastu kau drive, parking pulak takde haduhh
tapi takpe parking jauh sket pon takpelah
pastu kau jalan kau masuk kawasan sepital
kau naik pegi ward..had a chat with a friend for a while pastu kau tgk ade ward round
so kau join
kau toleh kiri kau toleh kanan,
aii...aku sorang je ke medical student  kat sini
lantak lah deknon
alang2 dah dtg hospital, join ajelah
perhaps yg lain tgh lemau dalam bilik

pastu boleh pulak si specialist tu nanye banyak soalan dkt kau
kau jawab aje
ade yang betol ade yang tak betol
takpe kau relax saje
macam tak biase tak dapat jwb soalan dokter kan

pastu boleh pulak specialist tu cakap
"u're a final year medical student, you should know everything. my houseman takpela diorang dah lama tinggal o&g".
pang...sakit jugak arr tamparan tu
dah kenapa semorang nak remindkan aku yang aku final year haduh

pastu kau toleh lagi kiri kana
dalam hati ingat nak mintak tolong orang
tapi sebab kau sorg je medical student kat situ
so kau continue aje la
the questions keep on coming
kau keep on thinking the answers to every questions
sebenarnya specialist tu baik aje
dia byk tanye sbb dia nak ajar engkau

pastu habis round kau gi clerk few patients
buat few examinations
macam biasa ah, sengsorang jugak
pastu bila dah rasa penat lenguh kaki sakit belakang
kau decide nk balik ah, kau gi mintak dokter sign attendance kau

sampai sampai kat kaunter,
nurse tu cakap " adik ni baguslaa, rajin, pandai jawab soalan dokter. tahu banyak benda"
kau toleh, jap nurse tu cakap ngan aku ke halamak
pastu kau tersipu malu sebab kau tahu yang dia cakap tu tak betul pong.
aku mengaku aku banyak sgt lacking
tapi tu la, tak lambat lagi nak improve

but the nurse keep on puji kau melambung
tapi aku duk pikir pikir
just because i can speak english fluently doesnt mean that my knowledge is as good as my language.
so kau senyum aje, terima jela deknon orang puji kau
pastu nurse nurse lain pon pakat cakap kau bagus
tetiba bontot yang pagi tadi rase berat gila terus jadi ringan.
nak je aku main terbang terbang dalam ward tadi
tapi sebab tanak tunjuk kat diorang my insanity, aku senyum malu malu, haktuih sangat

pastu doktor yang kau nak mintak sign tu keluar dari bilik
nurse tu cakap " doktor, student ni rajin pastu pandai"
dah kenapa nak puji puji bagai ni
aku tak biasa dowh

and the doctor replied " ha ahh..dia lah student paling rajin dalam ward ni"
i was like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttt
i did not hear that
kau boleh bayang tak
kau bayang takkk
hahah..okbai

tu je aku nak cite harini.
best gak arr dapat puji melambung lambung camni
maybe this is the last time aku dpaat pujian macam ni sebab tu aku siap tulis blogpost
in medical field u dnt always get this kind of compliment
what u always get is " where's ur brain? are u tryna be a clown? sikit2 lupa..ape je yang ingat..."
haa benda benda macam tu ah

ok ah
aku chowww dulu

lagi 60hari nak pro exam
dearself..
jangan putus asa

dear self..

slowly..
i lose myself..i lose the old version of me.
it kills me
very hardly

i hate it
being this weak..
this fragile..
this emotional thing..
this is not who i used to be

i can feel the pain everyday
trying to ignore it but i failed
"hold on, it's almost over"
lies i keep telling myself

i know this isnt the end
this is only the beginning

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