kadang tu kau malas sgt bangun pegi hospital sbb bajet monday blues
rasa berat gila nk bangun dari katil asyik snooze the alarm for several times
tapi sebab kau dah janji dgn kawan kau
pastu sebab kau is the one driving the car
so u dont have the heart to make them wait for u, or to just cancel the plan

so u get up from the bed dgn malasnya
pastu kau mandi kau siap siap
dah lewat 10minits..i always make people wait for me
thats just a bad habit of mine i really need to get rid of

pastu kau drive, parking pulak takde haduhh
tapi takpe parking jauh sket pon takpelah
pastu kau jalan kau masuk kawasan sepital
kau naik pegi ward..had a chat with a friend for a while pastu kau tgk ade ward round
so kau join
kau toleh kiri kau toleh kanan,
aii...aku sorang je ke medical student  kat sini
lantak lah deknon
alang2 dah dtg hospital, join ajelah
perhaps yg lain tgh lemau dalam bilik

pastu boleh pulak si specialist tu nanye banyak soalan dkt kau
kau jawab aje
ade yang betol ade yang tak betol
takpe kau relax saje
macam tak biase tak dapat jwb soalan dokter kan

pastu boleh pulak specialist tu cakap
"u're a final year medical student, you should know everything. my houseman takpela diorang dah lama tinggal o&g".
pang...sakit jugak arr tamparan tu
dah kenapa semorang nak remindkan aku yang aku final year haduh

pastu kau toleh lagi kiri kana
dalam hati ingat nak mintak tolong orang
tapi sebab kau sorg je medical student kat situ
so kau continue aje la
the questions keep on coming
kau keep on thinking the answers to every questions
sebenarnya specialist tu baik aje
dia byk tanye sbb dia nak ajar engkau

pastu habis round kau gi clerk few patients
buat few examinations
macam biasa ah, sengsorang jugak
pastu bila dah rasa penat lenguh kaki sakit belakang
kau decide nk balik ah, kau gi mintak dokter sign attendance kau

sampai sampai kat kaunter,
nurse tu cakap " adik ni baguslaa, rajin, pandai jawab soalan dokter. tahu banyak benda"
kau toleh, jap nurse tu cakap ngan aku ke halamak
pastu kau tersipu malu sebab kau tahu yang dia cakap tu tak betul pong.
aku mengaku aku banyak sgt lacking
tapi tu la, tak lambat lagi nak improve

but the nurse keep on puji kau melambung
tapi aku duk pikir pikir
just because i can speak english fluently doesnt mean that my knowledge is as good as my language.
so kau senyum aje, terima jela deknon orang puji kau
pastu nurse nurse lain pon pakat cakap kau bagus
tetiba bontot yang pagi tadi rase berat gila terus jadi ringan.
nak je aku main terbang terbang dalam ward tadi
tapi sebab tanak tunjuk kat diorang my insanity, aku senyum malu malu, haktuih sangat

pastu doktor yang kau nak mintak sign tu keluar dari bilik
nurse tu cakap " doktor, student ni rajin pastu pandai"
dah kenapa nak puji puji bagai ni
aku tak biasa dowh

and the doctor replied " ha ahh..dia lah student paling rajin dalam ward ni"
i was like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttt
i did not hear that
kau boleh bayang tak
kau bayang takkk
hahah..okbai

tu je aku nak cite harini.
best gak arr dapat puji melambung lambung camni
maybe this is the last time aku dpaat pujian macam ni sebab tu aku siap tulis blogpost
in medical field u dnt always get this kind of compliment
what u always get is " where's ur brain? are u tryna be a clown? sikit2 lupa..ape je yang ingat..."
haa benda benda macam tu ah

ok ah
aku chowww dulu

lagi 60hari nak pro exam
dearself..
jangan putus asa

dear self..

slowly..
i lose myself..i lose the old version of me.
it kills me
very hardly

i hate it
being this weak..
this fragile..
this emotional thing..
this is not who i used to be

i can feel the pain everyday
trying to ignore it but i failed
"hold on, it's almost over"
lies i keep telling myself

i know this isnt the end
this is only the beginning

you woman why u're overthinking of everything
you're better than this
u can be better
lets move on
and throw this shit away

mimi tahan sikit lagi
yes perit.. but u just gotta be tougher
semua ni...all of this pain
are for them

sbb they would sacrifice anything for u
so ape salahnya u sacrifice a bit for them
u can do this
i know u always can

sikit je lagi
tahan
oh Allah..ease my journey for tomorrow

dear self
it's 2 in the morning
and here i am..
inside this room of mine
that's filled with nothing but silence

i'm back again  to this room of mine
with the aim to start studying for my end of posting exam
but all i ever did was just fooling myself around
and i hated it...more than anything

it always feels good to be back in home again
the foods
the internet
the love
the tv shows
all of it..i love it.

but..
dear self
lets be serious
lets start studying now
u've been playing too much, too hard
yet u studied too little
u crave for an excellent result
and thats a bulsht with this amt of effort u put on

lets be serious..

dear self,
professional exam is just around the corner
only 109 days left
may seems so long for some, yet so short for me
it's like having a knife ready to slice down my throat
or a gun at the temporal lobe of mine

i know i gotta be strong, and healthy and well prepared for this war
but all i'm afford to feel rite now are
- major exahustion
- major depression
- major regret
and all of other "major" stuffs
it's about 3am now
and i'm nowhere near to sleep
oh Allah..remind me again as to why i chose this road or as to why You put me into this.
whatever it is, i believe that Your plan is the greatest plan of all
and with that..hopefully this heart shall remain calm, this brain shall not go haywired and this body shall tolerate with all the pain, mentally and physically.

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